I don't know

Everyday is a fight.

The sought victory can only be won by those who love.

As it is happiness.

Everything is so scary now. My vision is blurring as I try to hold on to the images that comforts me. I have to dive my hands deep in the waters that used to drown me. I'm terrified. It is too easy to fall in those bottomless seas.

I have to hold on to the weight of my legs on the ground. Your smile seems so far. The simple idea of the sight of you makes me want to weep, sob. I've tried to hate you so hard. I've tried to give you all the worst intentions and all the worst masks, but yet I find myself missing you. I have absolutely no reason to do so, but I love you, grandfather. It breaks my heart every single day of my life.

I'm trying to give a sense to how I feel about everything. I'm torn between loving you because you're my grandpa, and hating you because of what you did, and hating myself for still loving you after what you did, and hating you because I hate myself because of what you did, and it's a total mess.

I admire this very cold evening through my blurred eye that the thought of you flooded. It's funny how everything is linked. I miss you. I love you. I understand you. Unfortunately, I happened to be bearing with all the consequences of your desperate act, and you haven't. I still have to protect myself. That doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm heartbroken, my suffering dragged me through the darkest ideas. There isn't a day that I don't think about leaving this world.

Despite those facts, I now have developed the tools and the strength to put myself on the first plan of my life. And even though it breaks my heart, I have to make choices and take actions to feel happy and safe.

I can start to feel the weight of my legs.

I can feel my feet.

For the first time of my life, it's not too heavy.

Not too light either.

It feels real.